I am posting this because it's something I wish had been available to me in my earlier years.
I don't expect it to be popular, but hopefully it will be helpful to those who are genuinely seeking guidance or support in facing the realities of being married to an ATC. These traits are obviously not ubiquitous.
That being said, based on a lot of first-hand experience and research, here are some things you can reasonably expect when married to an ATC:
- God Complex: I remember my spouse coming home from work one day and telling me how one of the instructors said something like, "Even neurosurgeons only have one life in their hands at a
time - we can have hundreds at any given moment. For all intents and purposes: You are God." While many would not be so bold as to come out and say it, this mentality has a tendency to gradually permeate the ranks, resulting in a truly nightmarish dynamic if you are not also a "god". If your partner didn't start out with a God complex, it is possible they may develop one as they are saturated in this environment.
- Alcoholism: At a NATCA convention once, I overheard an ATC say, "I hope they brought enough alcohol - this is a meeting for CONTROLLERS." It is an open "secret" that ATCs are very heavy drinkers. Really, they can't be blamed for this. They are pushed to the limit mentally, given shift work that results in sleep disorders, and then forbidden from seeking out the medications or treatments that may be effective in treating the conditions they live with. They are essentially both broken, and forbidden from healing, by their job. Alcohol seems to be the drug of choice to cope with the rigors of this job as it is one of the very few permitted, and I would advise you to expect this to be an issue in your relationship.
- Impatience: ATCs are trained to be obsessively efficient, and this often bleeds over into other areas of their lives. I can recall my spouse having to wait an extra ~2 minutes because of an error in the Starbucks drive-thru, and angrily snarling that these ~minimum wage employees' incompetence cost them "X dollars in at their overtime rate".
- Dictitorialism: While pilots are the ones operating the planes, ATCs are the ones telling them what they can and cannot do, and exactly where to go. An ATCs job is to issue concise, direct orders, and to have those directions complied with immediately and without question. Like so many other work traits that eventually spill outside the facility walls, this can begin to permeate their relationships with the people around them. They can easily (and without seeing the issue with it, or that it's even happening) begin to expect unquestioned compliance from you, and become frustrated when you assert your own will, desires or voice. The psychological damage that this can have is immense. Even confident, intelligent and driven people can be slow-boiled by this power dynamic into defeated, devalued shells of who they once were. Just because someone else has an "important" job does not mean that you and your personal goals are irrelevant, even if they are not as high-paying or socially revered. Don't forget this.
- Perfectionism: In ATC, there is no room for error. With enough years in, this, too, will begin to bleed into interpersonal relationships. Zero-tolerance policies for common human faults are not rare. When perfectionism is added to the God complex and impatience, a person who is almost completely intolerant of basic human weaknesses often results. The consequences of this can be catastrophic on someone not prepared for this reality.
- Narcissism: There are many professions that use the personality trait of narcissism to their advantage, and ATC is one of them. If you have the personal confidence to even ATTEMPT such a high-stakes job, or to pass the aptitude test, you likely have shades (if not heaps) of narcissistic traits. In the context of the job, this serves the FAA well. But, in the context of close interpersonal relationships? It can be toxic beyond measure. It is safe to expect your ATC spouse will see their career as more important than yours, for them to expect you to abandon your own pursuits to move to where a position for them is available (there is a chance to move to a higher level facility, into management, etc.) without question, for them to feel entitled to contribute little else outside of their job, as they need to recuperate. Be prepared that you may eventually be reduced to little more than a facilitator of your ATC partner's whims and lifestyle goals once the erosion of you, as an equal member of the marriage, has progressed.
- Missed Holidays/Events: This is obvious to anyone with even a vague familiarity with ATC, but holidays and events - even natural disasters - will likely be ridden out by you, alone. ATC scheduling is based on seniority, so the newer you are in the FAA, the worse your schedule will be. If you have young children or are planning to, this is very much worth considering, as you will likely not have any semblance of a normal schedule until you are well into your years with the FAA.
- Sleep Disorder: ATCs are required to do shift work, very often resulting in "Shift Work Disorder". Do not expect to wake up with your ATC spouse. They will likely be sleeping most of the day coming off of a midnight shift, or waking up at 5am to make it to work by 6am. There are very few days when an ATC reports to work at the same time, and you will eventually have to make your own schedule apart from theirs to maintain sanity and health. (I honestly don't know how the FAA gets away with treating ATCs the way they do from a mental health standpoint - it is literally inhumane).
- Untreated Mental Health Issues: Speaking of mental health, expect that your spouse will struggle with this at some point, and not be permitted to seek effective help, especially if medication is needed. Your ATC partner will likely even be hesitant to acknowledge that something is wrong, for fear of being reported to the flight surgeon, losing their job, etc. Because so many lives are on the line in ATC, weaknesses (which we all have) are unacceptable. This can be devastating to the ATC themselves, but also to their partner, as they gradually internalize that people should not have weaknesses, and if they do, should never show them. Do not be surprised if you experience a lack of empathy or concern for the struggles, health issues, etc., you face, especially if those issues are invisible.
- Toxic Work Environment: ATC is often referred to as a "Boys' Club" and this is very apt. A large percentage of ATCs are ex-military, and only in more recent years have women begun to enter the field in any kind of considerable number. They are vastly outnumbered, and sexual harassment is rampant. So much so, that some women actually keep a logbook of the incidents as a backup plan in case they wash out - at that point, they will simply sue the FAA. Not joking. "Bad company corrupts good character", and being so heavily immersed in such an environment will eventually have an effect on all but the most stalwart minds. Extramarital affairs amongst controllers are understood to be extremely common, and divorce rates are sky-high.
- Toxic Management: In the teaching profession, it is often said that "Those who cannot do, teach." The adjusted version of this is also said to be true in ATC. The controller vs. management dynamic is insane. NATCA actually handed out bracelets years ago that said, "Our collective spirit is their enemy". Like - that is their MOTTO. While this varies from facility to facility, corruption amongst management seems to be common. Sleeping with people to attain promotions is rumored to be par-for-the-course, and achieving promotions based on favoritism seems to be status quo. This can create some very bitter people, and lots of ill-will amongst the ranks, adding to the already heavy stress load that is intrinsic to the job. Because your ATC partner is mostly helpless at work (ATC is a very militaristic field with very little personal control over your job, schedule, etc.), it is very common for them to take their frustrations out on you. Be on guard for this, as it is easy to internalize their displeasure, and begin to think that something is wrong with you.
- Culture of Perpetual Adolescence: I honestly have not been able to put my finger on why, but ATC seems to have a pervasive culture of unending adolescence. It's almost like rap culture: Material competitiveness mixed with camaraderie, shaken together with alcohol, topped with an over-inflated sense of self and newly acquired access to money... IDK.
It is not unusual for the other factors I've mentioned above to combine into an age-inappropriate "party" culture that smacks of freshman year, even when the people involved are in their 30s/40s and have multiple kids at home. It is very, very strange. It is common for an ATC to be throwing up in a bar on a Saturday, working a shift on Sunday. This obviously depends on who you choose to associate with at work, but if this is not your scene, you may feel very lonely in the ATC world. You need look no further than the comments on the threads on this website for prime examples of the juvenile mindset that seems to be so ubiquitous in this field...
- In Summary: While the job offers security, good pay, vacation time and retirement benefits, the toll it takes on human beings is massive. It has been said that "Hurt people hurt people", and the way ATCs are treated (particularly at high-level facilities) is straight up abusive. If you are in a close relationship with an ATC, there is a good chance the poison they are forced to drink will eventually find its way to you. If you are primarily a money-motivated person, you may find that a career in ATC is worth it to you. If you are someone who is more interested in quality of life and other less material forms of success, I would enter this career (or a relationship with someone in this career) with extreme caution, and/or advise working at a lower level facility (probably a level 9 or below).
Do not blindly think you will be the exception to the rule when it comes to the aforementioned points of concern. I have personally witnessed the deterioration of exceptional people under the crushing weight of this career.
Sorry I don't have better news. Just being honest.
Sincerely,
- Someone who learned the hard way
I don't expect it to be popular, but hopefully it will be helpful to those who are genuinely seeking guidance or support in facing the realities of being married to an ATC. These traits are obviously not ubiquitous.
That being said, based on a lot of first-hand experience and research, here are some things you can reasonably expect when married to an ATC:
- God Complex: I remember my spouse coming home from work one day and telling me how one of the instructors said something like, "Even neurosurgeons only have one life in their hands at a
time - we can have hundreds at any given moment. For all intents and purposes: You are God." While many would not be so bold as to come out and say it, this mentality has a tendency to gradually permeate the ranks, resulting in a truly nightmarish dynamic if you are not also a "god". If your partner didn't start out with a God complex, it is possible they may develop one as they are saturated in this environment.
- Alcoholism: At a NATCA convention once, I overheard an ATC say, "I hope they brought enough alcohol - this is a meeting for CONTROLLERS." It is an open "secret" that ATCs are very heavy drinkers. Really, they can't be blamed for this. They are pushed to the limit mentally, given shift work that results in sleep disorders, and then forbidden from seeking out the medications or treatments that may be effective in treating the conditions they live with. They are essentially both broken, and forbidden from healing, by their job. Alcohol seems to be the drug of choice to cope with the rigors of this job as it is one of the very few permitted, and I would advise you to expect this to be an issue in your relationship.
- Impatience: ATCs are trained to be obsessively efficient, and this often bleeds over into other areas of their lives. I can recall my spouse having to wait an extra ~2 minutes because of an error in the Starbucks drive-thru, and angrily snarling that these ~minimum wage employees' incompetence cost them "X dollars in at their overtime rate".
- Dictitorialism: While pilots are the ones operating the planes, ATCs are the ones telling them what they can and cannot do, and exactly where to go. An ATCs job is to issue concise, direct orders, and to have those directions complied with immediately and without question. Like so many other work traits that eventually spill outside the facility walls, this can begin to permeate their relationships with the people around them. They can easily (and without seeing the issue with it, or that it's even happening) begin to expect unquestioned compliance from you, and become frustrated when you assert your own will, desires or voice. The psychological damage that this can have is immense. Even confident, intelligent and driven people can be slow-boiled by this power dynamic into defeated, devalued shells of who they once were. Just because someone else has an "important" job does not mean that you and your personal goals are irrelevant, even if they are not as high-paying or socially revered. Don't forget this.
- Perfectionism: In ATC, there is no room for error. With enough years in, this, too, will begin to bleed into interpersonal relationships. Zero-tolerance policies for common human faults are not rare. When perfectionism is added to the God complex and impatience, a person who is almost completely intolerant of basic human weaknesses often results. The consequences of this can be catastrophic on someone not prepared for this reality.
- Narcissism: There are many professions that use the personality trait of narcissism to their advantage, and ATC is one of them. If you have the personal confidence to even ATTEMPT such a high-stakes job, or to pass the aptitude test, you likely have shades (if not heaps) of narcissistic traits. In the context of the job, this serves the FAA well. But, in the context of close interpersonal relationships? It can be toxic beyond measure. It is safe to expect your ATC spouse will see their career as more important than yours, for them to expect you to abandon your own pursuits to move to where a position for them is available (there is a chance to move to a higher level facility, into management, etc.) without question, for them to feel entitled to contribute little else outside of their job, as they need to recuperate. Be prepared that you may eventually be reduced to little more than a facilitator of your ATC partner's whims and lifestyle goals once the erosion of you, as an equal member of the marriage, has progressed.
- Missed Holidays/Events: This is obvious to anyone with even a vague familiarity with ATC, but holidays and events - even natural disasters - will likely be ridden out by you, alone. ATC scheduling is based on seniority, so the newer you are in the FAA, the worse your schedule will be. If you have young children or are planning to, this is very much worth considering, as you will likely not have any semblance of a normal schedule until you are well into your years with the FAA.
- Sleep Disorder: ATCs are required to do shift work, very often resulting in "Shift Work Disorder". Do not expect to wake up with your ATC spouse. They will likely be sleeping most of the day coming off of a midnight shift, or waking up at 5am to make it to work by 6am. There are very few days when an ATC reports to work at the same time, and you will eventually have to make your own schedule apart from theirs to maintain sanity and health. (I honestly don't know how the FAA gets away with treating ATCs the way they do from a mental health standpoint - it is literally inhumane).
- Untreated Mental Health Issues: Speaking of mental health, expect that your spouse will struggle with this at some point, and not be permitted to seek effective help, especially if medication is needed. Your ATC partner will likely even be hesitant to acknowledge that something is wrong, for fear of being reported to the flight surgeon, losing their job, etc. Because so many lives are on the line in ATC, weaknesses (which we all have) are unacceptable. This can be devastating to the ATC themselves, but also to their partner, as they gradually internalize that people should not have weaknesses, and if they do, should never show them. Do not be surprised if you experience a lack of empathy or concern for the struggles, health issues, etc., you face, especially if those issues are invisible.
- Toxic Work Environment: ATC is often referred to as a "Boys' Club" and this is very apt. A large percentage of ATCs are ex-military, and only in more recent years have women begun to enter the field in any kind of considerable number. They are vastly outnumbered, and sexual harassment is rampant. So much so, that some women actually keep a logbook of the incidents as a backup plan in case they wash out - at that point, they will simply sue the FAA. Not joking. "Bad company corrupts good character", and being so heavily immersed in such an environment will eventually have an effect on all but the most stalwart minds. Extramarital affairs amongst controllers are understood to be extremely common, and divorce rates are sky-high.
- Toxic Management: In the teaching profession, it is often said that "Those who cannot do, teach." The adjusted version of this is also said to be true in ATC. The controller vs. management dynamic is insane. NATCA actually handed out bracelets years ago that said, "Our collective spirit is their enemy". Like - that is their MOTTO. While this varies from facility to facility, corruption amongst management seems to be common. Sleeping with people to attain promotions is rumored to be par-for-the-course, and achieving promotions based on favoritism seems to be status quo. This can create some very bitter people, and lots of ill-will amongst the ranks, adding to the already heavy stress load that is intrinsic to the job. Because your ATC partner is mostly helpless at work (ATC is a very militaristic field with very little personal control over your job, schedule, etc.), it is very common for them to take their frustrations out on you. Be on guard for this, as it is easy to internalize their displeasure, and begin to think that something is wrong with you.
- Culture of Perpetual Adolescence: I honestly have not been able to put my finger on why, but ATC seems to have a pervasive culture of unending adolescence. It's almost like rap culture: Material competitiveness mixed with camaraderie, shaken together with alcohol, topped with an over-inflated sense of self and newly acquired access to money... IDK.
It is not unusual for the other factors I've mentioned above to combine into an age-inappropriate "party" culture that smacks of freshman year, even when the people involved are in their 30s/40s and have multiple kids at home. It is very, very strange. It is common for an ATC to be throwing up in a bar on a Saturday, working a shift on Sunday. This obviously depends on who you choose to associate with at work, but if this is not your scene, you may feel very lonely in the ATC world. You need look no further than the comments on the threads on this website for prime examples of the juvenile mindset that seems to be so ubiquitous in this field...
- In Summary: While the job offers security, good pay, vacation time and retirement benefits, the toll it takes on human beings is massive. It has been said that "Hurt people hurt people", and the way ATCs are treated (particularly at high-level facilities) is straight up abusive. If you are in a close relationship with an ATC, there is a good chance the poison they are forced to drink will eventually find its way to you. If you are primarily a money-motivated person, you may find that a career in ATC is worth it to you. If you are someone who is more interested in quality of life and other less material forms of success, I would enter this career (or a relationship with someone in this career) with extreme caution, and/or advise working at a lower level facility (probably a level 9 or below).
Do not blindly think you will be the exception to the rule when it comes to the aforementioned points of concern. I have personally witnessed the deterioration of exceptional people under the crushing weight of this career.
Sorry I don't have better news. Just being honest.
Sincerely,
- Someone who learned the hard way
